Academic tutor Ned Johnson recently received an email from the father of one of his high school clients.
“Can you please make sure that he is taking a practice test this weekend? He really needs it to do well,” said Johnson, founder of academic and test prep company PrepMatters, repeating the email’s contents. “Oh, and don’t tell him that I had this conversation with you.”
“I’m really invested in your kid doing well on this test. But you know who was also invested in doing well on this test? Your kid,” responded Johnson, author of “The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Child More Control Over Their Lives.”
It’s clear to those who work with high school and college students that their parents and caregivers are increasingly overinvolved with their kids, said Jessica Lahey, author of “The Gift of Failure.”
Parents are having their laundry done for their kids, making sure that college bunkbeds have safety rails so the student won’t fall off in their sleep, and even emailing professors about grades, Lahey said. (Higher education officials are limited in what they can share under The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act).
“When I went off to college, I just drove off to college,” she said. “Now there are deans at colleges that their job specifically is to be a liaison to families because families want to be so much more involved in kids at college.”
As much as you may want to help your kid as they go off to school, getting immediately involved in their college choices and challenges will likely backfire, Lahey added.
Experts explain why it’s beneficial for adults to let their college students take charge of their own lives – even if they are clumsy and make mistakes. (If you need a job to keep you busy, it’s a good idea to learn how to manage your own stress.)
It makes sense that you are stressed
Dear parents and caregivers: It’s no surprise that you are feeling stressed about your kid leaving home, so it’s important to acknowledge that fact.
Parents have never been as connected with their children as they are now, said Harlan Cohen, college success coach and author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run into in College.”
Having your child apply to college and sending them off is scary because it’s something you care very much about but have little control over, Johnson said.
“Arguably, the most stressful thing that people can experience is a low sense of control,” he added. “It’s hard for kids to go off to college with hopes and dreams and a suitcase full of your money … You’re invested in all of that.”
To feel better, some parents call their kids often to check on them or decide to email a professor about a missed deadline.
“What parents are typically doing is doing things that make them feel a greater sense of control, but it’s at the expense of their kid’s sense of control,” Johnson said.
Being overinvolved cuts their confidence
For kids to become capable adults, it is crucial that they build a sense of competency, Lahey said.
Confidence says, “I think I can do hard things.” Competency is saying, “I know I can do hard things because I have done hard things before,” she said.
It can be helpful to practice challenging things when your kids are younger when there is less at stake, and there are still support systems in place to help, she said. When parents and caregivers step in too quickly and take over addressing a challenge for their kid, they are taking away important opportunities and undercutting the student, Lahey said.
“Every time we do something for our kids — we don’t mean to — but what we’re saying to them is, ‘Yeah, I don’t think you can do this yourself,’” she said.
People have three important psychological needs, according to self-determination theory: competency, autonomy and connection, Johnson said. Not only does overmanaging your kids remove their feelings of competency and autonomy, but it may also harm their feeling of connection with you, Johnson said.
“If I’m telling you a problem, and you start throwing this stuff at me, I can feel a little invalidated,” Johnson said.
The stakes aren’t as high as they seem
Think back to when your child was first learning to walk, Lahey said. If they were toddling and then fell, would you tell them to stay down and you would walk for them?
Hopefully not. You said, “It’s OK, get back up and try again” or “I know you can do it,” she added.
The single most important marker of good mental health is resiliency – the ability to bounce back when things don’t go your way, Johnson said. Although it is painful to watch your child having a hard time, letting them work through that is a good investment in their future.
“One experience in adolescence of feeling a sense of control and the ability to cope with an adverse experience seems to inoculate the brain, potentially, for a lifetime, against other adverse experiences,” he said “Basically, it inoculates you against future stress. It’s a really big deal.”
If you have spent a lot of their life saving the day, your threshold to tolerate their discomfort might be low. Their problems may feel more like an emergency than they actually are, Lahey said.
The truth is, college students are still quite young, and they have time to mess up, get it right, fix it, or try something new, Cohen said.
Johnson often asks his students what they think is the most important thing they can get out of high school. Good grades and admission into a good college, they usually reply.
Then, he said, he throws them a curveball: In some ways, he doesn’t really care what they get on college entrance exams.
“The most important outcome of high school is not where you go to college,” he said. “It’s the brain that you develop, the brain that you wire and carry into adulthood.”
How to take a step back
Maybe now you are convinced that you need to leave room for your student to try, fail and decide for themselves when they need your help. But how do you start?
Lahey recommends beginning with an apology.
“The first thing I would do, especially with an older kid, is go to them and say, ‘You know what, I’m really sorry. I have done the best I could do based on the information that I had and based on what I thought was right, but I think I’ve really been underestimating you,’” she said.
Then, make a list together of the skills they need to develop and how you can support them. Maybe that means learning to do their laundry, write a professional email, make a phone call or look for resources when they are having trouble academically, Lahey added.
“You can follow up and say, ‘I’m not going to change in wanting the best for you … And I’m not perfect, but I’m really going to do my best to try to offer help and offer support and not force it on you,’” Johnson added.
Cohen recommends a 24-hour rule. When your kid comes to you with a problem and you feel that impulse to step in, wait 24 hours. In that time, they might have fixed it themselves — or the situation may have evolved completely, he said.
And what you can always give your kids in a challenge is the mindset to find their people, places, and patience: who are the people they can go to for help, where are the places they can get support, and how long will it realistically take to fix the problem, Cohen added.
The next step is to remember to model a sense of calm. If your child sees you stressed over a challenge they are facing, they are way more likely to feel that stress and get overwhelmed, he added. You might need to fake some calm until you can make it.
A longer-term view may also help you feel more comfortable letting them try it out, Lahey said.
“The mantra I have over and over and over again is, ‘Do I want it done my way or quickly right now? Or do I want them to be able to do it themselves next time?’” she said. “Where do I want my kid to be in a month, in six months, in a year, in five years?”
