I hear a lot about dry spells and sexless relationships from my clients as a couples therapist. But when I dig a little deeper, it’s not always the sex act that these couples are seeking. More than anything, they want to be desired.
Even when a couple are having regular sex — say, once a week — what they’re often lacking is a sense of sexiness in the relationship. They’re missing what I call the “erotic thread” — the connective tissue between those weekly sexual events, where our sexual selves can pivot in and out of an erotic moment.
That moment could be a squeeze, tease, grab or grope, a press into or a pull toward (all consensual). It’s a sense of healthy objectification: looking at your partner like a delicious meal you want to consume and, on the other side, feeling your partner’s hunger. These flirtatious moments are sexual sparks, not invitations to have sex right now.
“A sexual spark often encompasses both physical and emotional elements that create a sense of excitement, attraction, and connection between partners,” said Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist in West Palm Beach, Florida. “It can manifest in a number of ways depending on the individuals involved, such as flirting, touch, eye contact, passionate kissing or being spontaneous.”
In fact, research suggests that these moments of feeling desired are key to many people’s sexual fantasies. A survey of 4,175 American adults’ sexual fantasies conducted by Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, found that 96% of women and 93% of men had fantasized about feeling desired before.
Most women and men said this was something they fantasized about often. “People’s fantasies about feeling desired are about much more than just knowing that your partner finds you to be attractive and desirable — they’re about you being irresistible and your partner having this hunger for you,” Lehmiller said. “That brings a sense of urgency, passion and connection that heightens the sexual intensity.”
The myth of spontaneous sex
Perhaps surprisingly, sexual sparks don’t always just happen — especially if you’ve been with your partner for a while.
“Early on in relationships, we tend to do much better with staying connected on a sexual level, and that is because there are fewer shared spheres of identity,” said New York-based sex therapist Rebecca Sokoll.
“The longer a couple stays together, the more we experience identity overlap,” Sokoll said. “We aren’t just lovers and friends — we are entangled financially, as roommates, and many other aspects of the self that are not sexy. Many of us don’t even realize we are ignoring our sexual self because it just doesn’t seem to exist anymore.”
That’s not the only factor that can prevent us from cultivating that erotic thread. “Anxiety and stress, resentment and unresolved conflict, predictability, discomfort with language and sexual talk, fear of being rejected, lack of experience — and even distractions like social media can get in the way,” Needle said.
How to keep desire alive
So, how do you reignite sexual sparks? Here’s what I advise my clients.
Take the pressure off. Focusing on the act of sex — or its frequency — can put pressure on you or your partner, often resulting in the opposite of what you want: anxiety, stress and avoidance.
“I often encourage couples to focus on nurturing the erotic between them instead,” said New York-based psychologist Signe Simon.
“This can mean flirting, sexting, making out or massages, without the goal of intercourse. When partners feel wanted without pressure or expectation. it creates aliveness and romance in the relationship, which often sparks desire.”
Added New York psychologist Simone Humphrey, “Making romantic bids is vulnerable, so don’t forget to affirm and appreciate these efforts in your partner!”
Don’t assume. In heterosexual relationships, men tend to be more easily able to experience spontaneous desire and may be more likely to initiate these erotic charges. For example, a husband might see his wife get out of the shower and feel a sexual urge, while she might see him get out of the shower and think, “He better get dressed, or we’re going to be late.”
But that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t find him desirable, or that men don’t want to feel desired.
“Many women experience sexual attraction when they feel emotionally connected to their partner or in response to erotic stimuli, like flirtation, dirty talk, touch sensations, or other sexual cues,” said Elizabeth Perri, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Illinois.
“Men want to be desired, too,” Perri said. “We’re socialized to think that the woman is the ‘sexual object’ and the man is the one who demonstrates desire and ‘does the pursuing.’ But when working with heterosexual couples in my practice, I find that the female partner is often surprised to learn how much their male partner wants to feel desired, pursued, and even sexually objectified.”
Set it to simmer. There are countless ways to keep the spark of desire alive between sexual encounters. “Hello and goodbye rituals are very important for couples — I invite my clients to savor the kiss or the embrace so they can ‘simmer’ until the next time they can be sexual,” said Eva Dillon, a sex therapist based in New York.
“An important aspect of this is discarding the notion of not starting something unless you can finish it,” Dillon said. “Flirtation is an important and fun way of keeping the erotic spark alive. Sending sexy photos or texts can serve to keep the spark alive during the day. Touch is also crucial to maintaining connection, and eye contact is the most intimate way we can do so.”
“Simmering” is also a great approach for couples with mismatched libidos or a discrepancy in desire. “So often when couples are experiencing a desire discrepancy, touch becomes loaded. Any touch between partners ends up feeling like a question (Are you available for sex?) or an initiation (Let’s have sex!),” said Illinois-based psychologist Alexandra Solomon.
As a result, couples may start touching less because they fear their touch will be misinterpreted or rejected.
“With simmering, a couple agrees to have lots of touch that is an end unto itself, like kissing in the kitchen or a lingering hug in the bathroom, etc.,” she explained.
“That touch reminds both people of their erotic connection but doesn’t have to lead to anything else in that moment. When couples practice simmering, they are keeping that channel open, making it easier to transition from a domestic connection to an erotic one.”
Objectify each other — with consent. Feeling desired, ravished or like a sexual object can be validating, but many people, particularly men, need their partner to consent to it first. “A healthy relationship is one that provides the freedom to objectify our partner in order to enjoy a richer sexual relationship,” Dillon said. “You can give this permission in a number of ways, from naming it — ‘I want you’ — to talking dirty to speaking directly about consent.”
Keep your partner’s own desires top of mind. “If you are trying to maintain an erotic thread by doing something you know your partner doesn’t like, it’s not going to work,” Sokoll said.
“This may seem obvious, but sometimes people have underlying factors that lead to ignoring, criticizing, or disregarding the response of their lover, which in turn undermines any effort to maintain an erotic thread. Make it your business to know what your lover likes.”
Keep communication open. Not sure where to begin? Start with a conversation. “It might feel daunting to start making gestures intended to maintain an erotic thread in your relationship. You might be worried about communicating the wrong message and having a frustrated or confused lover who thought you were initiating a full sexual encounter,” Sokoll said.
“Let your partner know what you’re doing. You can say, ‘I want to increase our sexual connection between the times when we have sex,’ or ‘I want to try doing things that help us to remember we are in a sexual relationship.’ This can and should be playful.”
Remember, the erotic thread — and sex itself — is the glue that helps hold good relationships together. “When a couple has been sexual, the next morning they are typically happier and find life holds more meaning,” Dillon said. “Share those feelings with each other so you hold onto that connection and ‘simmer’ until the next time you have sex.”
